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Asexuality in Kink and BDSM

by Ren Lee, LCSW

 

Asexuality doesn’t always mean lack of sex or intimacy.

 

Asexuality simply means a lack of sexual attraction. Being asexual doesn’t mean someone won’t or can’t have sex. Some asexual people engage in sex, whether in specific circumstances or specific relationships or because they want to, and some asexual people don’t ever engage in sex. Asexual people can still desire physical intimacy that doesn’t look like sex. Sometimes, that looks like hugging, kissing, or cuddling and sometimes, it looks like kink and BDSM.

 

 

Kink isn’t inherently sexual and not all kinks are sexual.

 

A common misconception is that kink and BDSM are purely sexual or engaging in it means having sex. However, not all kink is sex! To clarify, BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism. It is about power exchange, roleplaying, bondage, and more — all of which can incorporate sex, but there are many kinks that do not involve or need to involve sex (and people can have different definitions of sex!).

 

 

Different forms of intimacy.

 

Intimacy is about connection, closeness, and familiarity. Sex is a form of physical intimacy. Friendship is a form of emotional intimacy. And for a lot of folks, the combination of both physical and emotional intimacy means a form of partnership (but not everyone experiences this).

 

Engaging in kink can be intimate. After all, it can require a large degree of trust and vulnerability to explore power dynamics, pain, different roles, and more. Consent is a foundation of kink and BDSM.

 

For asexual folks who desire intimacy but have low to no interest in sex, kink and BDSM is a great way to explore and deepen intimacy. There are kinks such as shibari, pet play, Caregiver/little that allow people to explore different roles and headspaces, all of which can have nothing to do with sex. 

 

 

Exploring asexuality and kink/BDSM in therapy.

 

Not wanting sex or feeling interested in kink can bring up feelings of shame, fear, or isolation to people, especially in a society that demands vanilla, cisgender, and heterosexual norms or else you’ll be categorized as “othered” or a “freak.” It can be hard to break through these narratives.

 

Therapy can be a safe and non-judgemental place to work through these feelings and find ways to explore what you desire and build confidence in who you are. Exploring your identity and your desires in therapy is common. Talking about your desires or lack of doesn’t mean you are building any sexual relationship with your therapist (because that would be inappropriate for a therapist to engage in). It means you’ve found a space you are comfortable in.

 

As an asexual and kinky therapist, I understand how difficult it can be to find someone who is not just affirming, but is knowledgeable and has lived and professional experiences navigating this. I work with many clients exploring or deepening their understanding of their sexuality.

 

If you are interested in working with me to explore asexuality, kink, BDSM, or a mix of it all, you can read more about me, my approach, or reach out for a free consultation to see how I can support you.